Monthly Archives: October 2009

sunday prayer

I go to where the ocean meets the mud and sand
this is me I think
I am like the water lapping up against Anchorage
but the tide doesn’t assign value to how far and onto which shore it breaks
it just flows and I want to be content to be pulled by the moon

west, the Alaska range glowed brilliantly across the water
more clear than I have ever seen it before
Sleeping Lady, dusty shoulders deep in shadow
east, the Chugachs were skirted with low snow clouds
approaching that range, watching it rise up before you
I swear, it’s like praying
today the earth is showing me something like god

everything beautiful in the world is survival
the lion’s mane is there only to protect her neck
we must build whole entire lives on the bare threads of the past
melt down all that fucked up shit and turn it into infinite love
next weekend my ex-boyfriend is coming to town
and he has agreed to help me pick out a knife

the tide does not assign value to the shore on which it breaks
and I know that the most radical thing I can do is love myself
even in the face of all these undesirable experiences from my past



It’s awkward trying to come up with a fake name to protect his identity because I don’t remember his actual name.

I was standing on the patio of the gay bar that stays open long after the others close. The fags I came with had pumped me full of whiskey and compliments all night, but now they were nowhere to be found. I had just ripped off my itchy $9 witch wig and washed an eyeliner moustache off in the bathroom mirror. Maybe that’s why I looked acceptable to him. Let’s call him Henry.

I had made eye contact with Henry between making conversation with the gorgeous old fag from Chile and sipping off of random drinks I found unattended on the wooden picnic tables. He was pretty unremarkable. Tall, average white dude, crew cut, black hoodie, five o’clock shadow. But I kept noticing him looking at me and was curious why. So I found myself leaning up against the table he was at asking him what was up. We talked for a while and when he asked me if I wanted to “hang out” I knew I was too drunk and bored to pass up a potential adventure for sleeping in my cold van.

Henry is in the Air Force and very proud of his Irish heritage (maybe I should have named him Liam). He tells me such things while we walk to the gas station. I laugh at him when he buys me bottled water and a gingersnap cookie. As we walk he says “You have the most clear green eyes. Make my eyes clear like that. Tell me how to make my eyes clear like yours.” I can’t tell if this is some special moment, or if he’s just drunk or high. He says he has a lot of money and would rather get a room for us to hang out in than take me to his downtown home because he has a pitbull. I try to explain to him that I work with dogs, a pitbull is not an issue for me (is it with other girls???) He insists, so we ride around and around in a cab and finally end up at a really rundown motel with holes punched in the head boards.

He turns on the cable and I shout from the bathroom for him to find some porn. There was a jacuzzi tub that looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in ten years. I suddenly craved a hot bath so I started the water, got naked and came out of the bathroom proclaiming that we would have a hot tub together. Henry did not argue. He did whine that the water was too hot though and I told him to “man up, soldier”. You might be wondering why/how I got myself into this situation, I wondered that too. I hadn’t told Henry that I was gay yet, so when we were soaking in the tub he put his hand on my knee. I decided I was ok with that. We talked about his wife. Apparently this was the “pitbull” he spoke of. They hated each other but they got some kind of Air Force benefits if they stayed married. I told him he should get a divorce. He sighed in agreement. Henry got too hot and left the tub. I relaxed in it a little longer and when I got out I found him sprawled on the bed. I laid down and closed my eyes, heavy from the heat.

We talked a little more, or I should say he talked more. “You’re really cool.” he said. “You’re so…. chill.” I laughed at him. My eyes were still closed and suddenly he started sucking on my nipples out of nowhere in the middle of our small talk. I don’t know why but somehow I was ok with this too. I laughed and told him he wasn’t doing it hard enough. He got all timid and I remembered why I don’t like having sex with dudes. I figured if I just closed my eyes I could enjoy a little nipple sucking, why not?! He was so nervous and kinda dorky that it was almost cute. He grabbed his dick and I decided to start masturbating in front of him. He was mesmerized. I actually got a little turned on by the thought of him watching me and told him he could fuck me, with his hand only. He didn’t get it at first, but with a little direction it turned out ok. “You taste really good.” He said at one point, pulling his fingers from his mouth. It was then I remembered I was still kinda on my period. He tried to fuck me with his dick a few times and I had to push him away and tell him no, like he was a dog or something. I had a little moment of clarity in which I realized this burly bro could rape me if he wanted to and I was a little nervous for a second. I ended up coming three times and he was in awe watching me ejaculate, “I’ve never seen that in real life…” he said. I made him masturbate to orgasm and he was amazed that we had just had sex without penile penetration. Like it was some new secret trick. Afterward, I watched his face relax and then slowly turn into a grimace as he surely thought about his wife. “It’s alright,” I said, “you’re human. It’s not the end of the world. You can always make new choices. Nothing is forever. Everything will work out.” He nodded. Where were all these sagely words coming from?

Before we had arrived at the motel he had been saying “I’ll never lie to you, I’m a very honest person.” I didn’t think he was a bad guy and I decided I wanted to be honest with him now that we had been physical. “I should probably tell you that, uh… I’m a lesbian.” I blurted out. He looked confused. “Whoa, you’re like the coolest lesbian I’ve ever met…” He tried to kiss me and awkwardly missed. “You look kinda like Henry Rollins” I said. He didn’t know who that was.

I started to sober up and decided that if I was going to have some identity crisis because I just let a dude bro put his hand inside me that I should do it in the safety of my own van. He told me he should go home, but that I could stay if I promised not the break anything. I told him I would rather walk back to my van. I think he felt embarrassed to check out a few hours after he had checked in. We gathered our belongings and I started toward the door. “Wait.” he said. I turned around and saw him shuffling through his wallet. He pulled out a twenty-dollar bill. “Take this.” he said. WTF? I told him no. He insisted. “Do you realize what that means?” I asked. He told me it wasn’t like that, he just wanted to make sure I got home safe (even though my van was two blocks away). I wasn’t going to turn down cash. He walked me to my van and as we parted he turned and said, “If anything happens just scream and I’ll come back.”

Henry, my boyfriend, my sugar daddy, my john (???).

Oh boy. Oh man. Oh Henry.

oct 23 2009

the mountains now only dusted with snow
trees wave hello/goodbye in the warm breeze
sun brakes golden and hazily through them
thousands of skinny leafless birches
hold a stick to them, play their dusty bones
tones will reverberate, a great harpsichord zing
a screen door bangs startling open and shut
dogs are all howl and whine
and the cat flashes her speckled coat more orange than usual

little bird

I cried about you
all the way to sleep,
little bird
your familiar toothy grin
I remembered for a moment how propelled I am by love
and how sweetly you did and do
and are
how sweet you truly are
oh little bird,
I cry even now
I never wrote you a single word
and I don’t know how to begin
or end

high school ghost

when I was in high school my Astronomy teacher dated my mom
he also shot and killed himself a quarter-mile from our home
he left a message on her work voicemail so that she wouldn’t recieve it ’til Monday
he blamed her
I heard the news, in first period: math
I was the one to tell my mom
crying into my cell phone on the floor in the corner of a bathroom stall
she came to the school and we cried together in the principal’s office
where there was a rubber chicken hanging in a noose above our heads
someone removed it promptly
my best friend was called out of class on the intercom
the three of us went to my house and watched movies for the rest of the day
none of the students liked him
they made fun of me when him and my mom were seeing eachother
they made fun of him shooting himself
he was pretty nice to me
the school had me meet with a counselor
and I was allowed to skip Astronomy from then on
which I did, even though I had liked it
I was assured I would recieve a passing grade in all of my classes no matter what
so I slacked more than usual
but it didn’t matter because eventually I dropped out

I frequently think I see him around town
but of course, upon second glance it’s not him

I don’t know why I wanted to write about this.

even though

even though in the city
I live at the summit of a small mountain
great lanky beasts pass my morning window
that is lined with tokens, a seed, a shell, a rail road spike
I catch myself in the mirror
so grounded, so in love with myself
so proud to have lifted this body
carried it out of places so far behind me
oh my friends, I carry you slung to my hips
when I dance you are there with me
when I move swiftly through the day’s chores
when I cook, dog at my feet catching the stray bits
everything I touch these days is old and new at once
even though in the city
I live at the summit of a glorious mountain

a walk with emily

all day I’d been feeling so tender for every past love
drunken, daydreaming, distracted
I was carefully pulling paper from the birches
all the leaves floating in the air
golden wet confetti sticking to my boots
you asked me if I had been in love with her
I said I didn’t know
I said that I had always felt it in the moment,
but when it was gone I questioned if it ever existed
we clutched our damp forest souvenirs
as we walked the dogs circled around us
tangling and untangling their leashes
and I guess that’s what our hearts do
just tangle and untangle.